Dear Dragon Age,
Stop Inspiring Me. It’s Finals week.
P.S.And stop distracting me.
So yeah, my newest warden who I somehow created a personality for outside the game standards and even have a story mapped out for this pairing in my head. ._. Fenris and Hawke stories are swirling around there too. Apparently, I’m sinking with my ships whether I want to or not. Just a warning, I’m not editing much. So grammar and spelling mistakes may be there.
Anyways, wrote this, its crap, but I got the feels anyways.
She watched the flames flicker, her eyes blurring the longer she stares at it. She sat on the floor, ignoring how cold the stone felt when she was so close to the fire.
Cassandra Tabris is contemplating. The warmth of the fire barely offering comfort. For within its flames she imagines chaos. Or perhaps it is simply the chaos she feels from within? Her eyes teared as she stared into the flames. For a second, she considered looking away but she willed her eyes to stay open and watch the fire. Her fingers clenching the dress of her night gown tightly.
There is no shame in crying. Her mind echoed.
Her lip trembled and her eyes watered even more, but no tears fell. She could not afford to cry. Tomorrow is the Final Battle. She could see it all. Her companions, her allies, and her loyal mabari marching out to face the hoarde of darkspawn. The fierce battle cries that will ring throughout Denerim followed by the screams of terror and death. She sees herself, charging into Fort Drakon, determination and exhaustion echoing in her body. The battle with the Archdemon. The struggle, the pain, the blood, and then…the final blow.
And she bites down on her lip as the vision settled in her mind. It isn’t real, but the pain the image brought her.
Alistair, in all his stubborn glory, delivering the final blow. With her inability to do nothing but watch. He had taken the choice from her; he seemed more likely to do that. He has a sense of humor he hides behind and a heart of gold. He will do anything to protect the people he cares about. So it is inevitable …he won’t give her a choice. If he had a choice back in Ostagar, Cassandra shudders as to what could have happened. He missed that chance, he would take it now, just for her to live.
She finally closed her eyes, rubbing the bridge of her nose gently. Why did she have to fall in love? Why couldn’t her wedding have gone normally? She wouldn’t have had as many heartaches as she did now.
You don’t mean that. You would do this again and again as long you met him. Nelaros was handsome, but you would have never been in love with him. Never would have settled for playing wife. Not as deeply as you are with Alistair. He would not have been as accepting as Alistair. Her mind scolded. She rubbed her temple and released a sigh, opening her eyes to stare at the fire again.
Cassandra wish she could have turned back time and convince Alistair to go through the Ritual. She had considered it, she had nervously walked to his room and talked to him. But when she saw his face, a bit confused and perhaps hurt, she told him to forget it. And the relief was immediate and obvious but the hurt lingered. So she repeated her dismissal and walked away. Then forced herself to accept Morrigan’s departure. She knows she could have done it. He trusts her. He loves her. He would have done it for her. To be with her. She didn’t crown him King. It wasn’t his wish and she was – and is selfish. She denied him a bright future, with Anora or any prospective Queen out of selfishness. Why did she stop now?
Was it the thought of Morrigan being with her love? While it did disturb her, she would have dismissed it, because it meant they would survive. Did she not want to deal with the consequences? The hurt it would cause Alistair to go through with it. They had only been with each other. Two bumbling virgins who became each other’s passionate lover. Is it because she didn’t want them to come apart?
No, that was not it either. They would have pulled through. They are both stubborn mules, though Alistair would have pushed humor on top of it all before letting the conversation go serious.
She could have easily persuaded him to do the Ritual…so why didn’t she?
Morrigan had said it herself, the idea of the ritual came from Flemeth. “T’was the reason she was there.” You didn’t want to submit a child, a precious child of your Alistair, to such a questionable future. The decision did come from your love for Alistair. You knew he would be pained, knowing he had a ‘bastard’ child out there somewhere. But it also came from your morals. You love Morrigan, she is your sister, but you don’t completely trust her. You believe Flemeth has influenced her too long to not walk a similar path. You do not know if she knows how to love completely and could provide and raise the child as Mother, not a mentor. Or as a possible means to an end –to power.
The light tapping on her door startled her. She called out for them to come in. The door creaked open but she did not remove her eyes from the fire. She knew it is Alistair. She listened as her love settled behind her and allowed herself to fall languid against his chest when he nudged her gently. Her head settled under his chin as she continued to stare at the flames.
She felt love course through her as he wrapped his arms around her. His large, muscular, human build dwarfing her slightly. She knew she looked vulnerable like this, but she is glad he’ll be the only one to see it.
“You know if you keep staring at the fire any longer a demon will jump out and eat you.”
She smiled softly. “I’ll put on a show for you then. I’ll scream and faint like a damsel in distress while you save me from the demon.”
His chest rumbled as he chuckled. “Oh, you do know what I like.”
Silence fell upon them again. Cassandra felt a slow tension starting to rise and she closed her eyes, wishing it away.
She felt him huff, but he did not let go of her. She waited for it.
“You know I’d do anything for you. Even…that.” The disgust in his voice was obvious. His hatred for Morrigan blazing.
She sighed. “I know.”
“It would have saved us a lot of heartbreak.”
Her body trembled. “I know.”
“If..if Riodan fails…”
The tears threatened. “I know.”
His hold tightened. “You should have asked.”
She breathed in harshly. Her body jolted forward, eyes widened then glared as she turned to look back at him. He looked annoyed that she broke his hold. His body tensed in despair and anger.
“Don’t you dare.” Her voice firm. “Don’t you-“
“I’m not placing any blame on you. Well, just a little”
Her glare softened, then melted. “You regret it don’t you.”
His body remained tense but he pulled her back into his arms. “I know you, you probably thought: ‘Oh, those big puppy eyes, I can’t make him go through this. My poor baby.’ Or at least, somewhere along the lines of that.” He paused to kiss the top of her head. “Then you backed off and started over analyzing your decision on the short walk back to your room. Morrigan, the bitch, stormed out in disappointment and perhaps (mumbled: most likely not) grief at your answer.” He snorted but his face became solemn. “I should have jumped at the opportunity, no matter what the…payment was, if it meant staying alive.” He softly added. “– with you at my side.”
She gripped his shirt. He rubbed her hip bone gently, keening a pleased groan out of her. “You probably regret even bringing it up, or you’ll start to because you didn’t think of that yett. In fact, you should probably forget I just said that if that’s the case.” He paused in his massage of her hip but then continued. “And…you are trying to figure out how to keep me away from the Archdemon in case it all goes to hell.”
She couldn’t help it when her body froze in response.
“I knew it.” He breathed out. His body left hers quite suddenly as he stood. She followed suit and watched him pace around her room.
She wanted to say something.
Don’t, give him some time to stew.
So she did. It only took a few seconds for him to stop his pacing and look at her. “It is not your choice Cassandra. I’m a grown man, I will not sit idly by again.” His face pained, obviously remembering Ostagar and Duncan.
Could be worse, he could be spewing out your last name instead. Poor Alistair, probably tired of everyone making decisions for him. Or at least, trying to.
“And it is not yours either Alistair.” She crossed her arms, guarding herself for this conversation. “And you wouldn’t be “sitting idly by”. You’d be at the main gate defending the city.”
“You think I want you to charge in there to die?” His voice raised and his arm thrust out dramatically before it fell back to his side. He forced his body to relax. “You honestly think I would let you leave me behind?”
“You think I want to see you dead?” Her hands fisted and she glared up at him darkly. “Don’t act like you weren’t planning to be the martyr. ‘As long as she’s alive’, right?!” She shortened the distance. “I know you just as well Alistair! You would follow me and leave me behind as well!”
They glared at each other. Only seconds passed before Cassandra slumped, feeling exhausted and defeated.
“I love you. More than I can possibly say.” She said softly, her watery eyes on the ground. She swallowed. “The only reason I even considered Morrigan’s offer is because I’m selfish.”
He snorted. She ignored his protest to her statement. “You know why I didn’t chose you to be king?” She asked. She didn’t wait for his answer. “It was because you didn’t want it but also because I wanted to keep you.”
“I would have stayed with-“
“No you wouldn’t have.” She stared at him, watching him shudder as she began to cry. “You know you wouldn’t have because of duty. That is what is separating us now and it would have separated us if you were made King. You would have wanted to stay, but you couldn’t.” She swallowed. “And you know it.”
“I didn’t-don’t want to lose you. Then fucking Riordan comes up to us and it’s ‘hey, the only way to defeat an archdemon is by sacrificing yourself. Oh, and we are the only wardens available to do it.’ I wanted to strangle him. I want to hate Duncan, the Grey Wardens, for their secrecy to outsiders and even their own recruits. I hate that this blight is tearing everything apart and I hate that I fell in love with you because this hurts way too much and I can’t lose you and that I chose for you not to be king to be with you just to find that it doesn’t even matter and that I had an opportunity to fix it and I threw it away because of love and moral and I honestly don’t know what to d-“
She flinched when his hand touched her arm, breaking through her panic and frustration. She let him lift her chin and kiss her with his whole life. Her body shivered violently, a gurgle released from the back of her throat, then a sob followed by tears. Alistair just stood there, hand in her hair and arm wrapped around her. His lips didn’t stay for long as he moved to kiss the tears away. Then he held her, letting her rest her head near the crook of his neck. Her body hiccupped as she sobbed and she could feel his own tears fall onto her hair. Time seemed to pass slowly. Eventually she pulled away and gently led them to bed, where they cried, comforted, and unsurprisingly drifted off into a light, restless sleep.
The room turned cold as death when the fire dies out but they are too dependent on each other’s warmth now to care.